You'll Always Be a Part of Me

Somehow it is harder to find time to write about the big moments that occur so this post is way overdue but today feels like the right time to share a video that I put together of our hospital experience when Jed was born. First of all, it was such a privilege for us to be there when Jed entered the world and took his first breath and we were so so grateful for the opportunity not only to be there for him but to be there for the girl we have come to love in a way that only an adoptive couple and their birth mother may ever understand. Sarah you will always and forever have a special place in our hearts and in our family! Those days in the hospital were both magical and sacred. Quite a mix of emotions. There were definitely hard moments- like watching Sarah go through so much pain to bring him into this world and being so helpless to do anything for her but be by her side. There were sacred moments like the moment he was finally here and we all saw him and heard him cry for the very first time- Sarah, her mother, and I were all in tears, even the doctor cried. There is something so beautiful about giving life and sacrificing so much so that he could have his precious little life. I know it was hard beyond measure but seeing Sarah hold him through her sobs and seeing his tiny perfect little hand reach out to touch her face was a moment I will never ever forget, through all the pain there was joy for all of us. I remember well that Sarah said she couldn't believe that she could make something so perfect, we were all amazed and he truly is a miracle! There are so many more things I could say but I will let the pictures do the talking this time. I hope that in them Jed will someday see what joy he brought to all of us, how loved he was right from the very start by the family that brought him here and made the sacrifice to give him a mother and a father and a brother that will love and adore him throughout eternity. Sarah was gracious enough to share so much of her time with him in the hospital with us and all the other people that were excited to come welcome him to the world, but the third day, the last day in the hospital she had time to spend with him alone and with her mother and father. I was grateful she had that quiet time with him to soak him in and whisper to his little soul all the things in her heart- even if she didn't say them in words I know he felt all the reasons, all the love, and what a sacrifice this was for her. I left my camera for her that day and she and her mother captured some of those moments. I hesitated to share them because they really are sacred and you can see the heart wrenching pain that it was to do what in her heart she knew was right. In the end I decided that there are hard parts of adoption and it is okay to share them because I believe that in those hard moments Jed will see how very very much she loves him. He will always know that it was a choice, a sacrifice because she loves him beyond measure, and it was her love for him that put his needs and her wants for him above her own. So while it is hard to watch the pain, I see her strength and love in those moments that are hers to cherish forever.

As for the song choice, I was asked recently about meeting Jed for the first time and "bonding" with him. It's a hard thing to explain but my answer was simply that I bonded with him well before he was ever born. Welcoming him into the world was like saying hello to someone I already knew and who was already a part of me. I think the following journal entry from August 11, 2013 will explain the reason for the song choice and also how he has truly grown in my heart all these months and honestly even all these years as I have waited for him!

Dear Jed,

Tonight when I was driving home from Marcee and Lance's house I was all alone (your Daddee and Ollie were in the truck and I was driving my own car), and there was a that song started playing as soon as I got in the car. I listened to it two more times before I got home because when I heard these words I couldn't help but think of you:

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I got all choked up and tears crept into my eyes as I thought about you my little darling. I thought of how long I have waited for you, how blessed I feel to have finally found you, and how much I already love you and always will. I can't help but feel how special you are and I'm so excited to hold you for the first time and to be a part of the great life ahead of you- every day you are one step closer! The only thing I would change in the lyrics is that I have loved you since the beginning of time and I will love you throughout all eternity! I will be dreaming of you tonight.

All my love, 

Mommee
XOXOXO

One of the meanings or synonyms of Jed's name is "Darling." It's funny because after I heard that song on the way home that night I downloaded it and have listened to it over and over again as every day we got one step closer. There were parts of the lyrics that I didn't think matched perfectly to our situation, but after he was born when I listened to it again it took on new meaning. I thought of it from Sarah's perspective, she truly is one of the bravest girls I know (Jess being the other bravest girl I know!) and all of the sudden it did feel like the perfect song to describe our experience. And the second song, the one to the pictures of her last day alone with him in the hospital is simply because she truly will always be a part of him. So here it is, a tribute to Sarah for her love and sacrifice to bring him into the world and to make us an eternal family!

All of our love,

Matt, Loree and Ollie
XOXOXO