All year long we've been counting this down this day. But all week long I've been telling Ollie every morning how many more days it is until we are sealed and now it is finally here- this morning I got to tell him that today is his big day (our big day!) Ollie woke us up early and after feeding him he fell back asleep. I wasn't tired at that point so I picked up my scriptures. But instead of reading them I pulled out my patriarchal blessing. It seemed like a good day to read it again. Maybe because is a day that one of the promises in that blessing is coming true. When I read the few lines in it about having children, I looked at my sweet boy laying peacefully beside me and not only was I full of gratitude for him and Jess, in my heart I thanked Marcee for giving me the time to read my blessing. Had we been having the luncheon at our house I would have been up and running around doing other things, instead I had time to soak in the day and ponder its significance and feel peace and joy.
As I got ready I thought of Jess. The hard side of adoption is knowing that each big milestone for us- each moment we rejoice over is not necessarily a time of rejoicing for her. I know she is happy for us and that it brings her joy to see Ollie happy, but I still worry about whether she is feeling the loss all over again. I sent her a text telling her I was thinking about her and thanking her once again and let her know how very much we love her. But I didn't hear back. It's hard to know what to say and when to say it but how could I say nothing on such an important day to the one that made it all possible? I will never know exactly what she feels but I know it is hard and my prayer for her is always the same, that Heavenly Father will comfort her because I know it is only He that can take her pains away, and I have to believe that He can and will give her peace because He is the one that led her to us and made all of this possible. Those were the thoughts running though my head as I was getting ready.
Mom had taken Ollie's vest home to finish it, so she showed up with dad around 9:30 to deliver the vest and to sew Matt's pants back together so he could wear them. (When we bought them Matt though they were a little too tight around the waist so she had let them out for him but I don't think the seam she put in the crotch was much of a seam because he put a small hole in them the night before pictures when he tried them on. I found it when I was ironing his pants that night so I put a safety pin in them to hold it together, but obviously that wasn't enough! He ripped them wide open when squatting down during the photo shoot.) Once I was ready I ran to the store and grabbed ice and some flowers and ran over to Marcee's. She and Lance were working away. I got the last minute decorations up and flowers in the vases on the table and then took off to get home and off to the temple. Holly and Joe borrowed the car to go see a friend and then meet us there so it was just Matt, Ollie and me. It of course took us longer to get out the door than we anticipated, as I was getting into the truck Matt reminded me of how it was much like our wedding day- he picked me up to take me to the temple that day because Dad was no where to be found. Not that Dad would have been taking me today, but it was still fun that Matt was opening the door for me and that I was all dressed in white once again to meet him at the alter of the temple.
When we got into the temple Matt realized he left his recommend in the car so while he ran back to take care of that Ollie and I made our way to the first place they sent us to- it's the room to the right, kind of like a waiting room there are couches but also a desk. Right as we got in I saw Janet and Gary Foster and then Jodi and Mark came in behind them. It all started to hit me at once and I started welling up with emotion just seeing them and knowing they were there to be part of it and that they were here for us and to rejoice with us, I was so touched. Aunt Lyn came in too and gave me a big hug and once again I felt so loved and supported. Ollie of course was the center of attention and he seemed to know how special he is. He smiled at everyone and when he met the lady that was going to be taking care of him in the nursery he went to her easily and I let her hold him while he gazed at her and smiled and clapped and put on a show for everyone. Mom showed up soon after, the proud grandmother, I am always so grateful for her and knew this was not just a big day for Matt and Ollie and me but for the whole entire family that not only prayed him here, but loves him so so very much.
When Matt arrived they took the two of us to get all the paperwork out of the way and to give us our tags to wear. We proudly put them on and then followed them to the nursery to drop Ollie off so we would know where to pick him up. We left him happy and headed to the dressing rooms. Mom went with me, I had washed my dress and temple clothes the night before, my dress looked beautiful but unfortunately I hadn't paid attention and drying my temple clothes had ruined them. Mom didn't have to wear hers so she had them all ready and waiting for me. It was kind of nice to wear hers knowing they were the one's she had had forever and that they had been worn by her at so many sacred things for her and our family, and I could tell she was proud to have me wear them as she reminded me of their history. I love my temple dress. She made it for me and I think it's beautiful and I felt beautiful putting it on. I can never get it zipped up but Mom was there to help me with that. I got to get ready and wait in the brides room with her. It was special being there with just the two of us, we were both beaming. Then they came and got me for the sealing and I said goodbye to Mom for just a little while.
They took me to the hallway outside the sealing rooms where I waited for Matt. When he finally arrived he was greeted by one of the men that was sitting out there waiting- it was his old boss Turley that he worked for when we first came back from BYU. They gave hugs and talked for a moment before Matt sat down. Then we met our sealer. He talked to us a little bit about how it was going to go and asked us if we had thought about things such as how we were going to lay Ollie's hand on our hands and get him to keep it there, etc. The answer was we hadn't thought about any of that! So it was nice to get a run down of what to expect. I had only one question for him, and that was how he was going to say Ollie's name. When he read it he said "Ol Lee" and I had to correct him to say "Ollie", not that I minded but I didn't want to correct him at the alter! Its funny how it is the older generation that calls him Ol Lee. After our chat he took us into the sealing room.
Sealing Room 3 in the Mesa Arizona Temple. What a significant room for our family. Not only is it the room that Matt and I were sealed to each other in, it's the same room each of my brothers and sisters have been sealed in (all those that have been sealed). Walking in everyone was already seated and waiting for us. I looked and saw uncle Joe, Michelle, Taylor, Barbara, and then my siblings and their spouses. I purposefully skipped looking at them because I knew if I did I was going to lose it and so far I was doing a good job of holding my emotions together. On the other end of the room was the Foster clan, the Richardsons and Aunt Lyn. There were empty chairs and I thought of the people that I longed to have there. It will never feel right until all of my family is there. And then there is Matt's side too. I love his family dearly and I was so grateful that Joe and Holly were there to represent. I can't imagine how it would have felt without them. Joe was sitting in the witness chair on the left, and Dad on the one on the right.
As we were getting started the sealer asked us a few questions. Like whose family was whose. I introduced mine and then he asked Matt who was his family. Matt talked about his family and about Joe and how close he is to Joe and how Joe was the only family that was there for him that day, but then Jodee and Mom were sitting to our right and we both heard them say, your Mom's here today. And we both felt it. I looked at Matt and already the tears we're coming. I'll never know what it has been like for him to live through so many things in his life without her, but I know what it has been like for me to love the son that she raised and to have never gotten to meet her and thank her for him. We both miss her and I truly know she was there smiling down at us and her grandson that she has probably been loving on for a few too many years while he waited for us to be ready for him!
I don't remember everything the sealer said, and it is funny because even as he was speaking to us I thought of how I don't remember anything the sealer said to us before our marriage, but I do remember a few thought. For one he talked about his truck. He said he has a nice little radio in his truck and he used to drive to the temple with the radio going, but now he doesn't and he talked about the difference that makes as he prepares himself for this sacred place. I think that stood out to me because even when we lived right next to the temple and had to pass it going to and from our house I would always turn the radio off, somehow it didn't feel right even when I wasn't going in for me to be listening to anything on the radio because I wanted to look at the temple and not disrupt the reverence I feel for this place. Then he talked a bit about Ollie. He asked us if it was always in Heavenly Fathers plan for Ollie to be in a family. He spoke a bit about the proclamation on the family, and then he testified of the plan of salvation and how Ollie was meant to be in a family. I don't remember exactly how he said it but the feelings I felt were once again a reminder of how special Ollie is, how aware Heavenly Father is of him personally and how truly he was always meant to have not just the blessings of a father and mother and the priesthood in his home, but he was always meant to be with us and how blessed I am to be his mother. There were of course tears through all of that as Matt held my hand and we had that confirmation once again. With every new step and every experience I find myself more and more deeply in love with Matt. It's not him and me, but us. These are our memories together, our family, and truly all of these years have knit our hearts together as one. Just being there with him holding my hand as blessings we both have desired for such a long time are fulfilled I knew that as I looked at him he felt and understood exactly how I felt and that feeling of knowing someone knows you and understands you like that is indescribable. It's hard to believe how much life has changed us since we were married over that same alter. I didn't think then there was anyway I could love him more and at that young age I was always afraid of losing that love somehow over the years, but life has proven quite the opposite. With all of our experiences together I love him in a way I never could have understood back then. I knew today was a day we would both cherish forever.
After the sealer spoke we had the simple but ever so sweet ceremony. Mom carried Ollie into the room all dressed in white and I could not have been any happier to see him. He was like a little angel, our little angel. I am always amazed at the sweetness of his spirit, I know every mother must feel the same way but there are thoughts of him that I can describe in no other way then what the scriptures say about Mary when it says she held them close to her heart. I see him for who he is, and yet I am still discovering who he is all at the same time. He has such a gentle little spirit and somehow he makes everyone he meets feel loved. To complete strangers he still offers a big smile and they stop and take notice and their day is brighter. He lit up the room when he came in and I love that about him.
The things I remember are being across the alter from Matt and Mom holding Ollie. When it was his turn to put his hand on ours she helped him but he didn't fight it at all. His chubby little hand held onto my thumb the whole time. I'll never forget that. He didn't cry, he just looked up at us (mostly Matt) as we heard the sweet words proclaimed that seal us to him forever! There were tears running down my cheek and Matt's as well and I could hear sniffles around me- truly happy tears!
With the ordinance finished we stood up, Matt took Ollie and we embraced holding our happy son. Our family circle feeling a bit more complete! And then we got to greet everyone in the room. This is when I had the ugly cry going on. I thought I had held it together somewhat respectably up until that point but being embraced and rejoicing with the people that also love Ollie so much and who have waited and prayed for this moment nearly as long as we have was a bit overwhelming. When Marcee got to me I couldn't even get a word out to her between my convulsions so I just told her to get out of there and we had a small laugh over it because there were no need for words and I couldn't talk anyway. When we were all done the sealer once again complemented us on how sweet Ollie was and what a happy boy he is. One of my favorite memories of the day came right after that. As Matt and I were heading back to the dressing room hand in hand walking down the hall with the big mirror at the end still quietly rejoicing in the moment, I heard Ollie call out "Mama! Mama!" behind me. One of the temple workers was carrying him behind us as she took him back to the nursery. I turned to see that bright eyed happy boy calling for me (something he is still learning to do) and my heart was so full not just because he said it but also because it's true, I am forever his Mama!
I went back and found Mom. We exchanged another big hug and I thanked her once again for being there for me and making the day so special. I changed quickly and headed to the nursery to get Ollie. He was still happy as ever and the ladies were all dotting over him. Matt seemed to take forever so I finally let Ollie down to play with some toys while we waited. When he arrived we checked Ollie out and headed outside to meet everyone. Didn't even have my camera but we tried to get a few pictures with everyone on the steps anyway. All I remember about that is that it was hot! I felt bad for the guys all in suits because I was in a white short sleeved dress and I felt like I was going to melt. It made me grateful that we had taken pictures the day before. (Especially after looking at these because the lighting was horrific and all those tears must have wiped away every bit of eye make-up!)
After pictures we packed up and headed to Marcee's for the luncheon. The luncheon was nice. When we arrived Joe and Michelle greeted us with a present for Ollie. This was the first time they had ever met him so it was quite exciting. Barbara and Caitlin had a plane to catch but they took time to spend a few minutes with us. Barbara was cute as always and had put out cards for everyone to write something on for us to put in a book. I didn't have any special program planned out, the big event was really to capture everyone's thoughts and experiences for Ollie. Nate arrived and setup to film and I sent people in to be interviewed. I knew Ollie was not going to have any recollection of this day, but I wanted him to get a sense of how special it was for all of us, how much he has effected our family and so many other people that count him as a blessing. I was so grateful that everyone was so willing to participate. I remember Janet and Gary coming out of the room and she gave me a hug with tears in her eyes telling me she doesn't ever cry but that made her cry! A few friends showed up, Maddie and Brandon came along with the Richardsons and the Stanleys. I invited Shaun and Leah at the last minute that morning so after a race they were in they also arrived, I was so glad to have them there. We were only scheduled to have Nate till 5 so I kept an eye on getting people through the interviews. I wasn't really planning on Matt and I doing much of an interviews we went last. We spent about 5 minutes saying a few things about the day, and then we realized we had about 30 minutes left so I was going to add one more thing, and then Nate asked us to share our story, like the whole journey starting back at infertility. I was hesitant because our whole story is a bit long and because I didn't want the film to be about us but to be about Ollie, but he was very enthusiastic about it telling us how our story can help others and how few people understand the struggles people go through with infertility, so I reluctantly said ok and we started. It was a different experience being in the room with the camera and Nate. I appreciated and he expressed it himself how moved Nate was by the spirit that was present as we all shared the different things that were special about Ollie and that day. I really did try to keep our story short and cut out a lot of the details (which is hard for me!) but in the end I think we were in there for 45 minutes, maybe more I'll have to check the film when we get it! I was grateful to have it documented with us speaking about it. We had planned on having the cousins say something too but since we used up all the time and Nate was going to be late for his next appointment we rushed all the cousins in there as a group and filmed them together jumping up and down congratulating Ollie and telling him how much they love him- which they do. I hope he always knows how much he is adored!
After most everyone left we got to kick back and enjoy some home entertainment from Lilee and Joshua. They made tickets for each of us to attend a show they made especially for Ollie. It consisted of a little singing and dancing, and a whole lot of laughter!
All in all, it was one miraculously beautiful day, these are the moments I live for, the ones where heaven feels so close and the cares of everyday life seem so small and insignificant, it is hard to imagine any greater joy than being surrounded by the family I love so dearly and knowing that they will be my family forever! One of the very best days of my life!!!
The video we made for Ollie so he will always know how special this day was for our family...
Ollie's Adoption Story from Shoot Me Films on Vimeo.
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